Welcome to The Drunken Report, where the truth gets a shot of tequila and takes a swan dive into the rabbit hole. My name is Kevin Flanders, a former top-tier White House, Inc. operative turned rogue conspiracy chronicler. You may know me as the guy who spills government secrets like they’re half-price happy hour drinks, but let’s get one thing straight: nothing here is sober.

Here at The Drunken Report, I serve up the absurd, the unbelievable, and the outright deranged conspiracies that “they” don’t want you to know about. Sure, you could get your news from those mainstream outlets with their “facts” and “evidence,” but why not enjoy a cocktail of humor, fiction, and just a splash of potential reality?

My job at White House, Inc. (yes, it’s a real place) gave me access to secrets so classified they’re buried deeper than Jimmy Hoffa’s gold-plated coffin. And now, I’m dishing out the dirt.

From alien diplomats negotiating trade deals for Earth’s finest avocado toast to the underground lab where they grow identical politicians in vats (spoiler: they’re all named Greg), no topic is too outrageous for The Drunken Report. But don’t worry, I mix in enough truth to keep you guessing. Is it all a joke? Is some of it real? I don’t know either—I’ve been drinking.

So, pour yourself a glass of the good stuff, sit back, and let’s dive into the stories they don’t want you to hear. Or maybe they do. Or maybe they don’t even exist. Either way, The Drunken Report is your one-stop shop for the news you wish was true, but hope it’s not.

Cheers to the truth, wherever it may be hiding.

— Kevin F.