White House, Inc has officially declared war on Pigeons. And no, these aren’t just ordinary birds—they’re government-issued surveillance drones. If you’ve ever had the unsettling feeling that the pigeon sitting on your window ledge was watching you a little too closely, congratulations—you’re not paranoid. You’re just observant.

Why the Sudden War on Pigeons?

Fredrick “the Hawk” Hawthorne, our division’s chief paranoid-in-residence, recently caught wind of a new breed of pigeons with upgraded tech. These aren’t your average bird-bots that just poop on statues and annoy tourists. No, these new models come equipped with advanced facial recognition software, 5G capabilities, and, if Hawthorne is to be believed, the ability to intercept and decode encrypted Wi-Fi signals. Some theories have long suggested that pigeons have been used as surveillance tools, but this latest development is next-level.

Hawthorne called an emergency meeting to declare war on pigeons, complete with PowerPoint slides and pie charts, to lay out his grand strategy to “neutralize the avian adversaries.” The plan mostly involved repurposing the department’s budget for pigeon-proofing public spaces. Yes, they’re now contemplating arming the public with anti-pigeon tech—think laser pointers, mini-drones, and even repurposed firecrackers. If this doesn’t end with someone losing an eye, I’ll eat my tinfoil hat.

Internal Shenanigans

Of course, the internal dynamics at Obsidian Horizon are as absurd as you’d expect. Dave from R&D insists we need to design “counter-pigeon drones” that look like seagulls. “Seagulls are natural enemies of pigeons,” he claims, despite lacking any ornithological evidence. His prototype is a clunky mess that looks more like a rejected prop from a low-budget sci-fi film than anything resembling a seagull. But Dave’s convinced it’s the key to reclaiming New York City’s skies. Good luck with that, Dave.

Meanwhile, Gloria from PR is scrambling to draft press releases that frame this operation as an effort to “restore urban tranquility” and “protect public privacy.” When I suggested we call it “Operation Skynet,” she glared at me as if contemplating how many ways she could murder me with a stapler. For a shadowy government organization, you’d think we’d be better at spin. Gloria is now on her eighth coffee, muttering something about “controlling the narrative.”

The Fate of the Drones

Then there’s the question of what happens to the captured pigeons—er, drones. Hawthorne’s latest idea involves a reprogramming facility somewhere in the basement. Yes, you heard that right—the basement where they store all the “unsanctioned biological experiments.” I caught a glimpse of his blueprint; it’s basically a Faraday cage with some wires and a lot of wishful thinking. If you thought human re-education camps were bad, wait until you see what we’re doing to the pigeons.

Surveillance Patrols

In the meantime, I’ve been assigned to patrol duty to document “pigeon behavior anomalies” around the city. Hawthorne handed me a pair of binoculars and a clipboard, instructing me to “look inconspicuous.” Sure, because nothing screams “normal city life” like a guy in a trench coat scribbling down notes while staring at pigeons. I might as well paint a target on my back that says, “Definitely Not a Government Agent.”

Aerial Warfare in NYC

So here we are, on the brink of an interspecies conflict that could redefine urban warfare. If you see a pigeon in the coming weeks acting a little too… robotic, just know that Obsidian Horizon is behind it. And if you happen to hear the distant sound of mini-drones engaging in aerial combat with pigeons, don’t worry—it’s just your tax dollars at work.

Final Thoughts on “This White House, Inc War on Pigeons”

The next time you’re having a peaceful moment in Central Park and a pigeon gets a little too close for comfort, it might not be your sandwich it’s after. It might just be scanning your face, analyzing your Wi-Fi, and sending that data straight to… well, you don’t want to know.

This isn’t the first time Obsidian Horizon has been involved in questionable operations. Read more about Obsidian Horizon’s underground projects to get the full picture. Keep your eyes to the skies and your breadcrumbs to yourself.

Just because you’re paranoid doesn’t mean they’re not watching… especially if they’re pigeons.