SIERRA VISTA, Ariz. — In a masterclass of economic logic that would make a Monopoly board blush, former President Donald Trump declared Thursday that deporting millions of undocumented immigrants is not only a bargain but a patriotic duty. The rationale? Apparently, it’s cheaper to charter the world’s largest fleet of Greyhound buses than to risk another $5 on a burrito made by a potentially “criminal” hand.

Trump, who has a long history of budget reallocations that would make even Robin Hood’s head spin, didn’t shy away from the tricky question of how to fund this mass exodus. After all, he’s already proven adept at squeezing the Pentagon’s piggy bank to fund his border wall, so what’s a few more billion between friends? Details, however, remain as elusive as the funding for said wall – which, in its infinite wisdom, Congress found as appealing as a soggy taco.

When confronted with the pesky question of what happens to mixed-status families – you know, those awkward situations where one parent is a citizen and the other isn’t – Trump reassured us all with the vague promise of “provisions.” Translation: There will be deportations, but don’t worry, we’ll make sure the trains run on time.

Pressed further on the specifics of these “provisions,” Trump did what he does best: evaded like a pro. Whether this means families will be torn apart with the same zeal as an over-enthusiastic Christmas morning or something even more creatively cruel is yet to be seen. But one thing’s clear: those provisions are probably coming with a side of “you’re fired.”

Despite some local law enforcement agencies giving a collective side-eye to the idea of becoming the deportation police, Trump insisted they’d be more than happy to join in on the fun. “They want to do their job,” he claimed, conveniently glossing over the minor detail that their job description doesn’t typically include mass exile.

As if the day wasn’t spicy enough, Trump also found time to take a few potshots at Vice President Kamala Harris and her running mate, Minnesota Gov. Tim Walz, currently embroiled in the Democratic National Convention’s snack selection. Trump accused them of “unleashing a deadly plague of migrant crime,” a phrase that, if nothing else, gives us the mental image of zombies with work visas.

Apparently, the current administration’s first-day-in-office strategy was to do precisely nothing – a tactic Trump wishes they had applied to just about everything else. And because no Trump speech is complete without a bit of finger-pointing and truth-twisting, Walz and Harris were also accused of “lying like hell,” because, according to Trump, honesty is clearly a trait exclusive to those with golden towers and questionable hairstyles.

For those keeping score, this marks Trump’s first visit to the Arizona border this year, though his running mate, Ohio Sen. JD Vance, has already scoped out the terrain. Because if there’s one thing this election season needs, it’s a buddy-cop road trip movie starring Trump and Vance touring the nation’s border fences.

Stay tuned for the next episode, where Trump might just promise to deport climate change or take a swing at renegotiating gravity. Until then, let’s just say the “provisions” are on their way – and they might come with a one-way ticket south.