Washington, D.C.—In a plot twist straight out of a Coen Brothers movie, the FBI has been scratching its collective head over the latest attempt on former President Donald Trump’s life. While the agency has faced all manner of criminal genius and political zealotry in its storied history, this case appears to be nothing more than an elaborate, ideologically void act of mischief. Yes, you read that right—mischief. As in, “Hey, I wonder what would happen if I tried to assassinate a former president because I’m out of Netflix shows to binge.”

The saga began when Trump, who has more lives than a cat on its ninth comeback tour, narrowly escaped an assassination attempt that’s been described as “lacking in both planning and purpose.” According to FBI sources, the would-be assassin had no apparent ties to any political group, no manifestos, and—most disturbingly—no reason whatsoever.

“It’s almost like they did it for giggles,” said an FBI spokesperson who looked as baffled as the rest of the country. “We’ve combed through the suspect’s social media, phone records, and even that one drawer everyone has full of old receipts and pens that don’t work. We found nothing—just a guy with too much time on his hands and apparently no idea that there are easier ways to kill time.”

The FBI has ruled out every conceivable motive, from political to personal, and has now moved on to the utterly incomprehensible: that this individual was simply bored. “It’s not every day you see someone try to off a former president out of sheer ennui,” the spokesperson added, managing to sound simultaneously bemused and concerned.

No Motive, No Problem?

Meanwhile, the Secret Service is facing some awkward questions about how they let this happen. When asked how a bored person with no plan managed to get close enough to pose a threat, the agency issued a statement that read, in part: “Oops.”

Critics have pointed out that this is a disturbingly casual response for an organization tasked with protecting former presidents. “Oops is what you say when you drop your phone in the toilet, not when you fail to prevent an assassination attempt,” said one security analyst. “This isn’t just a minor slip-up—it’s the Secret Service equivalent of leaving the front door unlocked because you got distracted by a funny cat video.”

A Nation Ponders: What Now?

As America collectively scratches its head over this bizarre case, experts are left to ponder the implications. “We’re in uncharted territory here,” said one political analyst. “We’ve dealt with assassins driven by ideology, personal vendettas, even sheer madness. But mischief? That’s a new one.”

Some have suggested that the FBI’s findings could mark the beginning of a new era in law enforcement, where criminal intent is no longer necessary—just a severe case of the yawns. Others fear that this could lead to a wave of similarly unmotivated crimes, as more people find themselves with too much free time and not enough common sense.

As for Trump, he seems unfazed by the incident, chalking it up to just another day in the life of the world’s most polarizing man. In a recent Truth Social post, he quipped, “I guess even my haters have run out of reasons to hate me. Sad!”

In the end, the investigation may have raised more questions than it answered, but one thing is clear: the FBI now has a new hobby. And let’s hope it keeps them busy—because the alternative is just too weird to contemplate.