In an effort to protect citizens from the dangers of free thought, China has begun constructing a new Great Wall, this time encircling the entire internet. The project is expected to be completed by next year, just in time for the rollout of the ‘Great Firewall 2.0’ software update.

Beijing, China—In a move that has left the global tech community both bewildered and mildly amused, the Chinese government has unveiled an ambitious plan to construct a new Great Wall—this time not to keep out Mongol invaders, but to entirely enclose the internet. The project, dubbed “The Great Firewall 2.0,” aims to secure China’s digital borders by physically containing the internet within a towering, impenetrable wall of bricks, mortar, and an unrelenting sense of authoritarian nostalgia.

The announcement, made during a state-sponsored event titled “Defending the Cyber Homeland: One Brick at a Time,” has been met with a mixture of confusion and skepticism. The project is set to break ground next month, with completion expected by 2025, or “whenever the memes stop,” according to government officials.

An Architectural Feat or a Misguided Metaphor?

The new Great Wall is planned to be a massive, circular structure, roughly 40,000 kilometers in circumference, designed to completely surround the virtual landscape of the internet. The wall will stand at a height of 30 meters, with towers at regular intervals equipped with state-of-the-art surveillance technology, including facial recognition software and AI-driven propaganda dissemination systems.

“The original Great Wall was built to keep out invaders; this one will keep out ideas,” boasted Wang Xiang, the head of China’s Ministry of Information Control. “With the Great Firewall 2.0, we are not just defending our digital borders; we are reasserting our sovereignty over truth itself.”

When asked about the feasibility of physically enclosing a global, non-physical entity like the internet, Wang responded with a confident smirk, “If we can build ghost cities that no one lives in, we can build a wall around a ghost network.”

The International Community Responds

International reaction has ranged from concern to outright mockery. Tech giants in Silicon Valley have already begun drafting memes and ironic tweets, with one executive joking that “China has finally solved the problem of buffering—by buffering the entire internet behind a wall.”

Meanwhile, leaders in Europe and the United States have issued statements condemning the move as a “grave threat to digital freedom.” However, they stopped short of taking any concrete action, as most were too preoccupied with internal issues like populist uprisings, spiraling inflation, and TikTok dance challenges.

Some geopolitical analysts speculate that the Great Firewall 2.0 could lead to the balkanization of the internet, with different regions of the world developing their own isolated versions of the web. “In a few years, we could be looking at a world where accessing a cat video requires a visa,” said one expert.

Construction Begins Amid Controversy

Construction is set to begin next month, with the initial phase focusing on “laying the digital foundation” through increased censorship and internet throttling. Citizens have been encouraged to participate in the project by contributing “patriotic bricks”—a euphemism for sending in their internet browsing histories to government servers for “safekeeping.”

Despite the Orwellian overtones, many in China seem unfazed by the announcement. “As long as I can still order takeout and stream soap operas, they can build whatever they want,” said Li Wei, a resident of Beijing, who expressed more concern over rising housing costs than the impending digital lockdown.

The Future of the Internet—Behind a Wall

As the world watches in a mix of horror and bemusement, one thing is clear: China is doubling down on its vision of a tightly controlled, state-sanctioned internet, one that leaves no room for dissent, subversion, or unapproved memes.

Whether the Great Firewall 2.0 will succeed in its mission to “protect” China from the dangers of free information or collapse under the weight of its own absurdity remains to be seen. But one thing is certain: in the battle for the future of the internet, China has just thrown a very large, very heavy brick into the digital pond.