In a stunning upset, an anonymous Florida man has been elected President of the United States through a viral write-in campaign. His platform, promising to “keep things weird,” has resonated with a nation apparently ready for some light-hearted chaos in the Oval Office.

In a move that has left political analysts, historians, and pretty much everyone with a pulse utterly bewildered, a previously unknown Florida man has been elected as the 47th President of the United States. The man’s name, which has been legally changed to “Florida Man” (yes, that one from all the headlines), appeared on millions of write-in ballots across the country, apparently as a result of a viral social media campaign that started as a joke.

Florida Man’s victory has stunned the nation, particularly the two major political parties, both of which are now grappling with the realization that their billion-dollar campaigns were outmaneuvered by a guy who was, until recently, living in a van behind a Waffle House.

In his victory speech, delivered from the back of a speedboat speeding through the Everglades, President-elect Florida Man promised to “bring the wild spirit of the Sunshine State to the entire nation,” declaring that his administration would be “the most unpredictable, chaotic, and downright weird government America has ever seen.”

Cabinet Picks That Make You Question Reality

Florida Man has already announced some of his intended Cabinet picks, each one more bizarre than the last. Among them are:

• Secretary of Defense: A 12-foot alligator named “Chompers,” whom Florida Man insists will “intimidate our enemies and keep them guessing.”
• Secretary of the Treasury: A scratch-off lottery ticket with a winning potential of $10,000. “Let’s see how the economy does when we’re all in it together!” Florida Man exclaimed while holding up the ticket.
• Attorney General: The ghost of a notorious pirate who haunts the Florida coast, known only as “Captain Redbeard.” Florida Man claims that Redbeard’s unique perspective on maritime law” will be invaluable in tackling modern legal challenges, particularly those involving international waters and treasure disputes.
• Secretary of Education: An actual Florida high school gym coach named Chuck, who believes that dodgeball should be a part of the core curriculum because “it builds character and reflexes—two things kids these days are seriously lacking.”
• Secretary of State: A parrot named Polly, who has been trained to squawk “diplomacy!” whenever confronted with international tensions. Florida Man argues that Polly’s approach could “diffuse global conflicts with the power of positivity and birdseed.”
• Policy Plans that Defy Logic (and Maybe Physics)
• Despite—or perhaps because of—his unconventional background, President-elect Florida Man has laid out a series of policy initiatives that have left experts scratching their heads and reconsidering their life choices:
• National Weather Roulette: To address climate change, Florida Man proposes a weekly game of “Weather Roulette,” where citizens spin a giant wheel to determine the weather for the entire country. “Why let science ruin the fun?” he asked rhetorically during a press conference held at an alligator wrestling ring.
• Mandatory Florida Vacations: In an effort to boost the tourism industry and spread the “Florida spirit,” all U.S. citizens will be required to spend at least two weeks a year vacationing in Florida. “Everyone deserves to experience the thrill of dodging a hurricane while trying to enjoy a margarita,” Florida Man explained.
• National Lottery-Based Healthcare: Instead of the traditional, complicated health insurance system, Florida Man proposes a national lottery where lucky winners receive free healthcare for a year. “It’s all about keeping things exciting and unpredictable,” he said, before adding, “And maybe a little bit about luck.”
• The Great American Swamp Drain: No, not the one in D.C.—Florida Man wants to literally drain the Everglades and turn it into the world’s largest waterslide park. Environmentalists are, predictably, horrified, but Florida Man argues that “more fun equals more happiness, and that’s good for the environment, right?”
• International Reactions: The World Watches in Disbelief
• World leaders have reacted with a mix of amusement, disbelief, and sheer terror. European Union officials are reportedly drafting a new “No-Fly Zone” policy specifically for Florida Man, fearing that his penchant for wild stunts could lead to unexpected flyovers.
• Meanwhile, Canada has begun reinforcing its southern border, not to prevent illegal immigration, but to keep out any “overflow weirdness” from the new U.S. administration. Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau was quoted saying, “We’re all for having a good time, but there are limits. We just don’t know what they are yet.”
• The Road Ahead: A Nation Braces for the Unexpected
• As America prepares for the inauguration of its most unconventional president to date, one thing is clear: the next four years are going to be anything but ordinary. While some citizens are stocking up on supplies and building bunkers, others are embracing the chaos, excited to see just how far Florida Man will push the boundaries of reality.
• In the words of the President-elect himself: “Why be normal when you can be Florida?”