In an effort to improve the city’s collective mood, New York has passed an ordinance banning all public complaining. Residents must now channel grievances into interpretive dance or risk a $500 fine. The city’s therapy industry has reported record profits as a result.

New York, NY – In a historic move that has left residents equal parts baffled and bemused, New York City has officially outlawed public complaining, marking the first time in the city’s history that its residents will have to suppress their natural urge to kvetch about everything from subway delays to overpriced coffee. The controversial “Negativity-Free Zone” initiative, spearheaded by Mayor Bill DeBoreMe, is part of a broader effort to improve the city’s collective mood and rebrand New York as the happiest place on Earth, much to the chagrin of Disney executives.

The new ordinance, which passed by a narrow margin in the City Council, imposes strict penalties on those caught publicly voicing complaints. Fines start at $500 for minor offenses such as grumbling about the weather or traffic and can escalate to mandatory participation in a city-sponsored “Positivity Workshop” for more egregious violations, like lamenting the state of the MTA or ranting about the price of rent in Manhattan.

To enforce the new law, the city has deployed a new squad of “Complaint Compliance Officers” (CCOs), who will patrol the streets armed with noise-canceling headphones and body cameras. These officers have been trained to identify complaints even in their most subtle forms, such as the disgruntled sigh, the passive-aggressive eye roll, and the classic New York “I’m walkin’ here!” shout. To aid in this endeavor, the city has also developed a “Complaint Detection App” that allows citizens to anonymously report their neighbors’ griping in exchange for rewards, like a free avocado toast or a one-time waiver on parking tickets.

Mayor DeBoreMe defended the policy in a press conference, stating, “For too long, New York has been known as the city that never sleeps… because it’s too busy complaining. We are taking bold steps to change that narrative. By eliminating public negativity, we believe we can foster a more joyful and welcoming environment for everyone, from lifelong New Yorkers to the millions of tourists who flock to our streets every year.”

The mayor’s plan has not been without its critics, of course. The ACLU has already filed a lawsuit, claiming that the law violates the First Amendment rights of New Yorkers, who, they argue, have a constitutional right to “bitch and moan about whatever they damn well please.” Meanwhile, the city’s therapy and counseling industry has reported an unprecedented spike in business, as residents scramble to find legal outlets for their pent-up frustrations.

Some New Yorkers are already finding creative ways to express their dissatisfaction without breaking the law. “I’ve started channeling all my complaints into interpretive dance,” said Lower East Side resident Jane Cranky. “It’s a real workout, but at least I won’t get fined for airing my grievances about the price of bagels these days. Have you seen what they’re charging? Outrageous! But I guess I’ll have to dance about it instead.”

Despite the uproar, there are signs that the new law is having its intended effect. City officials report that the general atmosphere on the streets has shifted from the usual mix of irritation and exasperation to something closer to forced cheerfulness, with residents exchanging strained smiles and awkward thumbs-ups instead of their usual cutting remarks.

The Mayor has hinted that if the policy proves successful, the city might expand the program to include a ban on sarcasm, eye-rolling, and excessive honking during rush hour. “Imagine a city where everyone is just… nice,” said DeBoreMe with a slightly unnerving grin. “Isn’t that what we all want?”

For now, New Yorkers will have to adjust to their new reality, where complaints are outlawed, and forced optimism is the new normal. Only time will tell if this grand social experiment will succeed—or if it will simply drive the famously irritable citizens of New York to find even more creative ways to express their dissatisfaction.