Picture this: The world has gone full Walking Dead. Zombies are everywhere, your survival instincts are kicking in, and naturally, you decide to consult… celebrity Twitter accounts for advice. Bold choice. Bold, yet questionable. You could grab a machete or find shelter, but no, you’re scrolling through the musings of people who probably haven’t opened a canned good in their life.
But, hey, maybe some celebrities might have a decent tip or two. Or, more likely, their advice will leave you as confused as Kanye’s latest tweet thread. Here’s a breakdown of which celebrities you might look to for help—and why it’s probably a terrible idea.
1. Kanye West (@kanyewest)
Zombie Survival Tip:
“Build a dome-shaped shelter. Call it Yeezopolis. Only visionary thinkers are allowed inside.”
Ah, Kanye. A man of many ideas, most of them… “visionary.” Sure, a dome sounds cool, but good luck building it while zombies are pounding at your door. By the time you’ve figured out the blueprints, you’ll have a VIP guest list of undead outside. And let’s be honest, celebrity Twitter advice from Kanye is likely to get you philosophizing instead of running for your life.
Why It’s a Bad Idea: You’ll spend more time contemplating the deeper meaning of “Yeezopolis” than fending off zombies. Plus, Kanye probably won’t let you in unless you prove you’re a misunderstood genius.
2. Gwyneth Paltrow (@GwynethPaltrow)
Zombie Survival Tip:
“Try the Goop ‘Zombie Detox’ essential oil. It repels bad energy… and possibly decaying flesh?”
Gwyneth’s entire brand is about wellness, and while that might help you feel spiritually cleansed, I’m not sure her jade egg or vampire repellent spray is going to stop a zombie from gnawing on your arm. Unless zombies are allergic to overpriced holistic products, you’re in for a bad time.
Why It’s a Bad Idea: Sure, you’ll have the shiniest skin in the apocalypse, but zombies aren’t here for a spa day. Plus, can you really afford to spend $400 on a Goop candle while the world is ending?
3. The Rock (@TheRock)
Zombie Survival Tip:
“If you smell what The Rock is cooking… it’s hope. Stay strong, jabroni. #ZombieSmackdown”
Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson probably could survive a zombie apocalypse by suplexing every zombie into the afterlife, but let’s face it—you’re not The Rock. His advice is motivational gold, but unless you’ve got the muscle mass of a small SUV, you’re more likely to get winded just running away. Maybe practice your people’s elbow while the zombies catch up.
Why It’s a Bad Idea: The Rock’s strategy requires you to be, well, The Rock. And the only thing you’re bench-pressing is the weight of your terrible decision-making.
4. Elon Musk (@elonmusk)
Zombie Survival Tip:
“Working on a zombie defense mechanism using flamethrowers and AI-controlled drones. Zombies = outdated code. Just wait.”
Elon Musk is probably your go-to if you want a futuristic solution, but by the time he actually delivers on his promise, you’ll already be a zombie extra in the apocalypse movie. The Tesla Zombie Defense Cybertruck might be a thing—in like, 20 years. Maybe.
Why It’s a Bad Idea: Elon’s promises are great for Twitter engagement but not for immediate survival. You need a plan now, not a preorder form for a robot army that’ll malfunction halfway through the invasion.
5. Chrissy Teigen (@chrissyteigen)
Zombie Survival Tip:
“Honestly, just bake bread. Make it a thing. Zombies don’t even like carbs.”
Chrissy Teigen’s wit would definitely keep you entertained during the apocalypse. You’ll be kneading dough and Instagramming your artisanal sourdough while zombies wander by. But unless those zombies are keto, I don’t think avoiding carbs is going to keep you safe.
Why It’s a Bad Idea: Bread-making is fun until you realize you’ve spent all your time in the kitchen and not enough time fortifying your bunker. The only thing those zombies are hungry for is your freshly baked brain.
6. Cardi B (@iamcardib)
Zombie Survival Tip:
“Run, sis! These zombies ain’t playing no games. If they come for me, I’m throwing a shoe.”
Cardi B’s advice? Pure gold. She’s got the right idea—run like you’ve never run before. But the idea of throwing a designer stiletto at a zombie? While it sounds fierce, it’s not the most practical defense strategy. Sure, maybe it’ll slow one down, but you’ll be minus one shoe and still very much in danger.
Why It’s a Bad Idea: High heels won’t help you outrun the undead. And zombies don’t care how expensive your footwear is—they’re more interested in your frontal lobe than your fashion sense.
7. Will Smith (@willsmith)
Zombie Survival Tip:
“I’ve already done this in ‘I Am Legend,’ y’all. Follow my lead.”
Will Smith does have some fictional apocalypse experience under his belt. But here’s the catch: I Am Legend is a movie, not a real-life guide. Will may have battled vampires, but zombies are a whole different beast. And the last time Will made headlines trying to save the world, he was smacking people at the Oscars. Not exactly confidence-inducing.
Why It’s a Bad Idea: Fictional apocalypse skills don’t necessarily translate to real life. You might want to skip the “trust Will Smith” plan and start stockpiling canned beans instead.
8. Mark Ruffalo (@MarkRuffalo)
Zombie Survival Tip:
“Stay calm. Avoid turning into the Hulk.”
Mark Ruffalo’s zen approach to surviving the apocalypse? Sure, staying calm might help you not lose your mind, but in a world where zombies are chasing you, it’s okay to Hulk out a little. Zen isn’t going to help when you need to smash your way through a zombie horde. If you’re taking celebrity Twitter advice on how to avoid becoming zombie chow, maybe channeling the Hulk wouldn’t be the worst idea after all.
Why It’s a Bad Idea: Zen vibes are great, but smashing vibes are better in a zombie apocalypse. Maybe take a page from The Hulk and let your rage fuel your survival.
Final Thoughts: Why Celebrity Twitter Advice is a One-Way Ticket to Becoming Zombie Chow
Let’s be real. Celebrity Twitter accounts are great for entertainment, skincare tips, and the occasional existential rant, but when it comes to surviving a zombie apocalypse? You’re better off learning how to wield a machete than hoping Gwyneth Paltrow’s essential oils are the answer. Most celebs will be hunkered down in luxury bunkers while you’re out here trying to survive on bread and motivational quotes.
So unless you’ve got The Rock’s muscle mass or Elon Musk’s flamethrower drones on speed dial, maybe leave Twitter out of your zombie survival plans. Stock up on supplies, fortify your shelter, and for the love of all things undead, don’t throw your shoes at zombies.
Boom. There’s your ultimate guide to surviving the zombie apocalypse—if by “surviving,” we mean “laughing at celebrity advice while being eaten by zombies.” You’re welcome.
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