Now, before you slam your phone down, grab your tinfoil hat, and rage-tweet about this, hear me out. The answer to why Donald Trump is better suited than Kamala Harris to be the next president is hidden deep in a vault below The White House, Inc., where shadows and whispers reign supreme. A vault, by the way, that I have “accidental” access to, thanks to my years of service… and secret coffee-fetching duties.

Aliens Prefer Donald Trump’s Bold Leadership

While Kamala Harris was busy building her political resume, Donald Trump was preparing for an intergalactic war. Forget Space Force as a PR gimmick. Behind the scenes, Trump has made first contact with extraterrestrial beings who have one simple demand: Bring back Trump, or Earth faces obliteration.

According to top-secret documents I stumbled upon (right before lunch), Trump didn’t just dabble in real estate and reality TV, oh no. He’s actually been negotiating with an alien species called the Zarglonians, who have been orbiting Earth in stealth mode since 2016. The Zarglonians, naturally, prefer Trump’s direct style of communication. They find Kamala’s chuckle a bit unnerving (rumor has it, the Zarglonians interpret laughter as a war cry). Now, do you really want to start a cosmic battle just because Harris can’t control her laughter?

Trump’s Time-Traveling Advantage

Trump has another trick up his sleeve. During his first term, he allegedly discovered a time-warping device—codename “Covfefe”—hidden deep under Mar-a-Lago. This Atlantis technology allowed him to foresee future events. That explains his spot-on predictions (and those mysteriously deleted tweets). Kamala? She doesn’t even have an Atlantis contact in her Rolodex.

The Secret Dinosaur Network

Let’s not forget Kamala’s total disregard for the Secret Dinosaur Network (SDN). Since the Nixon era, the SDN has been ensuring peace with the reptilian overlords living beneath Earth’s crust. Trump, however, not only negotiated a treaty with these subterranean giants but also secured a deal for a T-Rex security detail. Kamala? She can’t even broker peace with Congress—let alone a herd of velociraptors.

If you still think Harris might be a better choice, check out this detailed policy comparison.

So, sure, Kamala Harris may have logical, human-friendly policies. But can she communicate with aliens? Harness time travel? Tame dinosaurs? I think not.

The choice is clear, folks. Re-elect Donald Trump, or risk alien invasion, dinosaur rampages, and the collapse of the space-time continuum.