Ah, Broadway—a 13-mile stretch of asphalt glory, snaking its way from the Bronx to the tip of Manhattan. Well, this week’s news flash involves a guy who woke up one morning, had his oat milk latte (because, of course), and decided, “Hey, I’m gonna walk the entire length of Broadway today!” Now, to any sane New Yorker, this sounds like a cry for help, but to him? A “spiritual journey.” So, armed with his $300 sneakers and a questionable sense of purpose, he set off on his odyssey.

First stop? Morningside Heights. A lovely area to walk through if you enjoy being shoved by Columbia students who are already late for something. As our hero dodged flocks of sleep-deprived undergrads, he was probably thinking, “This isn’t so bad.” Oh, sweet summer child. Fast forward a few hours, and he’s limping past Times Square, looking like he just escaped from a war zone. Tourists with selfie sticks closing in from all sides, Elmo charging $5 for a blurry photo—it’s basically Manhattan’s version of the Hunger Games.

By the time he hit Union Square, he needed a break. But guess what? Sitting in NYC is basically a luxury. So he perched on the edge of the George Washington statue like a gargoyle, munching on a $12 kale salad. Because if you’re gonna die on the street, you might as well do it in style, right? Rumor has it he even muttered something about “finding himself” during this ordeal, which is rich because most people just find blisters and existential dread.

But the pièce de résistance was the final stretch through SoHo. By this point, his legs were jelly, his spirit broken, but hey, he made it to the glitzy boutiques! A land where people pay $500 for jeans that look like they were found in a dumpster. He was overheard saying, “This city is incredible, man,” which can only mean he’d reached the delirium phase. Local businesses cheered him on… by handing out flyers for overpriced juice cleanses.

Eventually, our day-tripper stumbled to Battery Park, where he collapsed dramatically, staring at the Statue of Liberty. A perfect New York moment—if you ignore the fact that he was blocking the bike lane and some guy on a Citi Bike almost ran him over. Was this a feat of endurance or just the kind of poor decision-making you’d expect after one too many cold brews? Hard to say.

But hey, at least now he has a story to tell at his next Williamsburg brunch. “I walked Broadway, bro,” he’ll say, as everyone politely pretends to care. So, kudos to you, brave soul. You may have conquered Broadway, but now you’ll need to conquer your foot pain, which—trust me—is an NYC rite of passage.