coming next on
the Drunken Report
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Location: Obsidian Horizon HQ – Cafeteria, where no one dares to bring their lunch in anything other than a brown paper bag. Breaking News: Tupperware, the plastic food storage icon of suburban America, is preparing to file for bankruptcy. Bloomberg… more ›
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White House, Inc has officially declared war on Pigeons. And no, these aren’t just ordinary birds—they’re government-issued surveillance drones. If you’ve ever had the unsettling feeling that the pigeon sitting on your window ledge was watching you a little too… more ›
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Ah, Broadway—a 13-mile stretch of asphalt glory, snaking its way from the Bronx to the tip of Manhattan. Well, this week’s news flash involves a guy who woke up one morning, had his oat milk latte (because, of course), and… more ›
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Oh, you’re gonna love this one. Some guy decided the subway wasn’t grimy enough and took it upon himself to create “art” using—you guessed it—duct tape. His masterpiece? A life-sized rat, meticulously taped to the side of a 6 train.… more ›
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Because if there’s one thing this city needed, it’s a purple mascot declaring financial independence while hogging the spotlight from confused stockbrokers. So, a guy dressed as a Teletubby—I’m talking full-on, purple Tinky Winky—decides to spend his Monday morning trying… more ›
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In today’s episode of “What Even Is This City Anymore,” a pair of pet ducks were casually walked through Times Square. Yes, ducks. Not dogs, not cats—ducks in tiny harnesses. They strutted around like they were about to drop their… more ›
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Someone set up a pop-up artisanal kombucha stand right next to the halal cart. Because nothing pairs with falafel quite like a $12 bottle of fermented tea, right? It lasted an hour before the kombucha guy was chased off by… more ›
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The “Mistery Meat” hot dog guy on the corner—yes, the one with the greasy cart that looks like it’s from the ’80s—is now selling something called “Mystery Meat Mondays.” No one knows what’s in it, and, shockingly, no one cares.… more ›
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A pretzel cart vendor, parked suspiciously close to the 14 St – Union Sq entrance, has sparked a heated debate among commuters. The topic? Whether mustard or cheese sauce is the superior pretzel dip. Rumor has it, a guy named… more ›